Fiction? Or is it??

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Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Lassy » Sun May 09, 2010 2:21 am

It turned into quite the wall of text, but I had some measure of fun writing it. There's as much fiction and narrative in there as there is actual truth and facts. Not a single one of you will probably get every part of the story and every in-joke. And if that's the case then I've succeeded in what I set out to do. The scene is exactly what this post is: me addressing the gathered masses of the guild and talking of my journey. It's not exactly in character and it's not exactly out of it either, make of that what you will. If you do not feel like giving me a hand-job, AT LEAST, after reading this creation then I'll buy you a drink at the meet. That goes for all of you, I promise.




The fire burned low, the erstwhile blaze reduced to a soft radiance of coals and embers. Idly, the figure at the hearth trailed his fingers through his white-streaked beard. He was sitting in a huge leather armchair, sipping from an exotic cream-like liquor. The lines on his face had softened somewhat, sweetened by the alcohol. The strain of command and the brimming disdain had drained from his speech. Weariness had tempered the customary steel discipline in his tone into a benign disposition. "Gather round, pups. Sit at my feet and harken at my wisdom. In my travels, I have learned a lot." A content sigh escaped his lungs as his eyes unfocused for just a moment. "To hoard my knowledge and my memories would benefit nobody, so listen well. Let us pray it might serve you in your own travels, wherever they may lead you."

"It is no great secret that I ventured forth to our inspect our members in the Eastern Kingdoms." Murmurs of assent arose from the gathered crowd. As a response, the whips resurfaced in his voice. "Listen dickweeds, I'm not going to stop every two seconds just because you can't think without giving voice to your mind." One special needs case that was idly sucking on a glowing coal and badly burning his misshapen mouth in the process, giggled. "Dickweeds! Jizz! Cocks, cocks, cocks!", he exclaimed. The seated figure sighed. "Shut the hell up, Leo."

"The Eastern Kingdoms are nothing like what you've known in our civilised corner of the world, dear students. Where to begin, though. Where to begin..." The silence that followed almost seemed calculated and contrived. He was baiting his listeners to get him started. A greasy youth spoke in a cracked voice: "Talk of the women, lord. Talk of their women and entice us to this foreign place." Shrouded by the fire-light, the figure bellowed. "Oh Fonk, you're more straightforward about these things that any god-shaped tool ever is!", and he let out a warm chuckle with the rebuke. He obliged the request nonetheless: "The women there know the worth of their appearance. They'll care for it like we care for our metal steeds. They'll groom and tend and nurture their beauty. The fact that your jaw would scrape the floor more often than not stems from that thought, but there is no shame in that. Simply because an artist has put a lot of effort into his creations does not diminish their beauty." Once more, his eyes glazed as he visited the lands contained within his memories. "No, you would not lack for eye-candy, youngling. Even if your trained eye could not penetrate to the beauty that lay beyond the exterior, you'd still peel yourself away hungry for more."

Unheeded laughter filled the seating-room. "Aaaaah. Hunger! Food!" More laughter followed. "Hunger is ever present my friends. Remember this well. Hunger will arise as you push back your chair from the table of whatever tavern you visited. Should you not guard your plate well, it would be empty before you could have your way with it! You'll be offered food at every turn, far beyond need or want!" A slow and dirty smile emerged from the depths of his expressions. "But that's not ever the most peculiar of it! The food itself is worthy of mention in any tale! It's good, my friends. Some of the finest meals of my life I have supped there! But if the fancy so grips them, the taste of salt is all the inhabitants crave and desire. I swear upon my mother's eyes: salty butter seems to be the greatest delicacy in existence should their mood so strike them. This seems to happen in movie-theatres more often than not. And not just their own tastes are odd, the taste of what they serve is equally peculiar. I consumed flesh there that was at once more tender and less tangy than I would have expected it to be! Flesh so exotic I had not imagined myself ever bringing it to my lips." He leaned back into his armchair and casually drew upon the smoking herbs that had been burning idly in his hand. As if this was a new and noteworthy discovery, he continued his tale.

"Herbs! Herbs and Smoke! Find the right place or the right person and you will be plied with herbs and mixtures most exquisite! If this is a magic held by our enemies or by the general population, I do not know. All I know is that the end-result was something to be reckoned with. Smoking herbs flavourful and potent enough to put a grin and a glaze upon any face. Truly, the hospitality and generosity shown by our rivals from Unjit while I visited those foreign lands merit a rethinking of our opinion of them. They might not be the lootdriven fools we make them out to be." A deep breath calmed the excitement from his voice and speech. "Not all is as pleasant and worthy to tell though. There's darkness hidden within their people, just the same. There's evil there. Evil and harshness."

A fair-haired youth, twin to the grave-bound Arthas but with more feminine features raised his voice: "Sir, I'm wondering if you wou-". "And who. The fuck. Are you." The voice boomed from the other side of the room and brimmed with barely contained rage. The coals and embers in the hearth leapt up, echoing the sentiment of the robed figure. "Never mind.", muttered the Lich Queen. The blood elf did not deign a response to this: "Continue, oh fount of wisdom. Spare no detail of this evil you speak of." His words were akin to early spring honey, more accustomed to stickiness than earnest sweetness. Still, the speaker would not deny the elf's lust for information.

He sent forth a boisterous laugh into the darkened hall. "Actually, I got into a bit of a brawl with one of their ladyfolk. They will take a good-natured ribbing well and the spark of hatred in their eyes is something I wish every man to see before they die. But if provoked enough their temperament will turn to violence." "Violence?", the elf's intrigued voice arrived across the crowd from the edge of the firelight. "Elaborate. Now."

"In truth, my friend, their women fight like girls." He permitted himself a small chuckle at the wordplay. "If taunted and coaxed enough, one can abrade the politeness and bore to the fiery core within, but even so... girls they remain." A hand was raised to the side of his face. "They go for the ear man. The ear!" Annoyance flickered over his eyes. "Who the hell punches a man in the fucking ear! I ask you! The! Fucking! Ear!" A chuckle escaped the connoisseur of pain at the edge of the circle cast by the fire. "I owe her a punch right in the babymaker, just for laying a hand on you." he spoke fondly. Genuine contentment lay like a blanket over the tale-teller's voice as he spoke: "Good. I pray that you do, Beloved. But I fear you will never get the chance. That guild-member has thought better of the plans she had to visit our keep. Lest we can dissuade her from that foolishness, no ovary-punching will ever come to pass." A determined look took hold of the master of the demonic. "Very well. We will have to do something about that.", he uttered. And that was the last that was said about this matter on that particular night.

An uneasy silence had settled on the gathering at this exchange. A feral creature looked up from nuzzling his own balls by the warmth of the fire for a second and heedlessly spoke, "Hey guys, I have 96k health now.", before resuming his labours. The figure in the chair looked puzzled and cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Well then, what else?" His brow furrowed in thought for a moment. "Ah yes! I had the pleasure of attending a folk festival in their college town. Fond memories of that visit line all edges of my mind, though perhaps not all of this due to their music. I learnt that the people of the Eastern Kingdoms are fiercely proud of who they are as I was told repeatedly they "Live it up" far better than any other people in the world. And while I would hesitate to contradict that, fact is that none of them seem to hold their alcohol as well as we do." With that, he took a long draught of the creamed-coffee coloured drink in his hand. "Though, I have to admit. Never in my life have I had a better White Russian than the one I had there."

"Should we not be afraid to be driven insane by their incessant moonspeak?", a nondescript figure of authority asked. Annoyance was plainly visible on his face as he made his reply: "Yes. It will. Though most of them have the courtesy to speak in common, even amongst themselves, while you're around. Sometimes though, especially if female hormones run high, you will have to carefully blank your mind and steel yourself against the incoherent babbling. I swear they were doing it simply to spite me but thankfully it did not happen often."

He near leapt to his feet as he remembered something else. "Xinblade." The gathering could not suppress their gasps and whispered the name between them. "Xinblade", was murmured from one to another. The legendary Xinblade. Some of the younglings looked around, hoping someone would explain the excitement to them. They were left wondering as he continued. "Yes, I chanced meeting Xinblade in that strange land. Mysterious as he is, he arrived and left again in barely a moment. Though I did manage to get an etching of him done just in time. If I can scrounge it up, I'll let you glance at his face at some point."

An impetuous blonde raised her voice through the stunned murmurs. "I know not of this Xinblade, tell us of something we could relate to instead!" "Very well, pup! I'll talk of buildings then!", he replied with a snarl. "There's ruins of old there, to be viewed and pecked over by all who come visit that far-off land." He laid his face gently into his own palm as he continued. "Though what possessed them to paint it all in pastels when they restored it, is beyond me. Here they have proper ruins and buildings that survived the ages. And rather than letting them show their age, they slapped on pastel paints on every surface that would hold it. There's a rich history there, monuments and structures of old. And they sell it well, if that takes your fancy. And even if it does not, they're definitely worth a look." He rolled his shoulders, visibly growing weary in his telling. "My own lodgings there were humble but that made me all the more grateful for the hospitality I received. I was lent every care and generosity, even though the elder hosts spoke not a word of Common. It pained me not to be able to voice my thanks to them personally and can only hope that my demeanour and animated gestures showed through what could not utter."

With a sigh, he brought himself to his feet. "Enough of this, for now. If your minds hold any more questions, then ask them. I might grace them with a reply at some point. But right now, I need to get some rest. Much is to be be done and even more is to be made ready before we are visited by the Easterners. And I hope that the tales forged from that meeting will be so epic that they cannot be contained in words." He squared his shoulders and stifled a yawn. "Trudge on and work diligently, my brethren. Can you taste what tomorrow brings? It smells so sweet...", he exclaimed as he strode out of the room.
I'm terrible at dates but I can enjoy a peach for hours.

Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O, was H2SO4.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Sun May 09, 2010 9:27 am

What?
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Steleaf » Sun May 09, 2010 10:35 am

Ooh, oooh, *goes to get popcorn*
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Lassy » Mon May 10, 2010 12:59 am

There we go. All done, I suppose. Enjoy reading it as I enjoyed writing it.
I'm terrible at dates but I can enjoy a peach for hours.

Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O, was H2SO4.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby naos » Mon May 10, 2010 5:28 am

you owe me a drink...
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Steleaf » Mon May 10, 2010 6:50 am

Lassy wrote:"In truth, my friend, their women fight like girls."

I am coming after you.
And proving you wrong.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Mon May 10, 2010 9:29 am

I think I got 90% of the in jokes there

Well done sir!! f-ing brillian.

LOL Moments for me:

A fair-haired youth, twin to the grave-bound Arthas but with more feminine features raised his voice: "Sir, I'm wondering if you wou-". "And who. The fuck. Are you." The voice boomed from the other side of the room and brimmed with barely contained rage. The coals and embers in the hearth leapt up, echoing the sentiment of the robed figure. "Never mind.", muttered the Lich Queen. The blood elf did not deign a response to this: "Continue, oh fount of wisdom. Spare no detail of this evil you speak of."


A feral creature looked up from nuzzling his own balls by the warmth of the fire for a second and heedlessly spoke, "Hey guys, I have 96k health now.", before resuming his labours.


And while I would hesitate to contradict that, fact is that none of them seem to hold their alcohol as well as we do." With that, he took a long draught of the creamed-coffee coloured drink in his hand. "Though, I have to admit. Never in my life have I had a better White Russian than the one I had there."


"Yes, I chanced meeting Xinblade in that strange land. Mysterious as he is, he arrived and left again in barely a moment. Though I did manage to get an etching of him done just in time. If I can scrounge it up, I'll let you glance at his face at some point."

WHAT - THE - FUCK!!?!?!?!?! Did you rib him endlessly!??!! I would pay for him to come to the Helkmeet.

hahahaha
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Korin » Mon May 10, 2010 10:22 am

Ahh, wonderful. Got a few stares while laughing like an idiot at work xD.
I wish you had stayed for longer, we should have tied you up and thrown you in Steleaf's basement!
Also, my mom says hi and youre welcome to our place any time<3
Ze crazeh Estonians love you!

PS: Enda sends a message "It was the herbs that made you rethink your opinion of us Unjit folk, right?"
Last edited by Korin on Mon May 10, 2010 10:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Mon May 10, 2010 10:45 am

YOU KNOW XINBLADE?!?!?!?? AHAHAHAHAHAH
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Korin » Mon May 10, 2010 10:49 am

Yes, we do!
Strange how some things work out. Xin is indeed estonian! And a very handsome one.. ^^
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Trashy » Mon May 10, 2010 11:47 am

PS: Enda sends a message "It was the herbs that made you rethink your opinion of us Unjit folk, right


Those must have been some very powerful "herbs"
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Mon May 10, 2010 12:19 pm

Korin wrote:Yes, we do!
Strange how some things work out. Xin is indeed estonian! And a very handsome one.. ^^


He is also a Helkmeme. A heavily mocked one :lol:
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby fonkje » Mon May 10, 2010 12:23 pm

My newfound respect for your skills in english are great. Yet secrets are found in replies.


Korin wrote:Ahh, wonderful. Got a few stares while laughing like an idiot at work xD.
I wish you had stayed for longer, we should have tied you up and thrown you in Steleaf's basement!
Also, my mom says hi and youre welcome to our place any time<3
Ze crazeh Estonians love you!

PS: Enda sends a message "It was the herbs that made you rethink your opinion of us Unjit folk, right?"


Try to find it and see why I bring this up. Also lassy, I owe you a beer.
Ckosh wrote:You guys and your issues. You really need to have more in your lives to QQ about.


Ckosh wrote:That can't be because you are Sex and thus the greatest thing that happened to the horde!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSOwEfuhIpY
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Lassy » Mon May 10, 2010 12:36 pm

Ckosh wrote:
Korin wrote:Yes, we do!
Strange how some things work out. Xin is indeed estonian! And a very handsome one.. ^^


He is also a Helkmeme. A heavily mocked one :lol:


The man is also 2 metres tall and I'm pretty sure he shoots lightning bolts out of his arse... Xinblade...

fonkje wrote:Try to find it and see why I bring this up. Also lassy, I owe you a beer.


I see what you did there. You however, did not see anything I did!

\o/
I'm terrible at dates but I can enjoy a peach for hours.

Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O, was H2SO4.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Mon May 10, 2010 1:10 pm

He probably misses with EVERY bolt!!
HE IS XINBLAAAAAAAAAAADE
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Steleaf » Mon May 10, 2010 1:21 pm

Korin wrote:Yes, we do!
Strange how some things work out. Xin is indeed estonian! And a very handsome one.. ^^

He looks like fucking Hercules (the Disney one).
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Mon May 10, 2010 1:37 pm

Steleaf wrote:
Korin wrote:Yes, we do!
Strange how some things work out. Xin is indeed estonian! And a very handsome one.. ^^

He looks like fucking Hercules (the Disney one).


Hmm so not very handsome then.....
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Trashy » Mon May 10, 2010 3:05 pm

Ckosh wrote:
Steleaf wrote:
Korin wrote:Yes, we do!
Strange how some things work out. Xin is indeed estonian! And a very handsome one.. ^^

He looks like fucking Hercules (the Disney one).


Hmm so not very handsome then.....


A two dimensional character in bright colours?
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Steleaf » Mon May 10, 2010 3:25 pm

Trashy wrote:A two dimensional character in bright colours?

I think we all know the important part here is the abs.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Lassy » Mon May 10, 2010 5:30 pm

Steleaf wrote:
Trashy wrote:A two dimensional character in bright colours?

I think we all know the important part here is the abs.


Actually, we all realised long ago the only important part about him is the name. There wasn't much else to it. I was so puzzled by meeting him. Literally, he entered, started complaining about the state of DKs in PvP and then left. So confused.


XIIIIIIINBLAAAAAADE


I swear, I knew that one bit would overpower any other discussion about the entire trip. :D
I'm terrible at dates but I can enjoy a peach for hours.

Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O, was H2SO4.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby fonkje » Mon May 10, 2010 6:21 pm

Ok, to get back on the subject. How was the sex?
Ckosh wrote:You guys and your issues. You really need to have more in your lives to QQ about.


Ckosh wrote:That can't be because you are Sex and thus the greatest thing that happened to the horde!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSOwEfuhIpY
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Lassy » Tue May 11, 2010 1:15 am

fonkje wrote:Ok, to get back on the subject. How was the sex?


I had no complaints from any mom during the entire trip. And Steleaf's mom is pretty hot, apparently.
I'm terrible at dates but I can enjoy a peach for hours.

Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O, was H2SO4.
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Steleaf » Tue May 11, 2010 6:38 am

STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING MOM OKAY.

*cry*
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Trashy » Tue May 11, 2010 7:39 am

Steleaf wrote:STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING MOM OKAY.

*cry*


Pics of your mom please!
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Re: Fiction? Or is it??

Postby Ckosh » Tue May 11, 2010 8:33 am

Stel is like 17. So her mum must be what - 40? And Eastern European.

Fit.
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